Left Turn

Have you ever travelled along with the belief you have an understanding of where your life is headed? Then BAM, BAM. You were so very wrong. Not to say I felt ‘in control’, more, I had a sense of direction for my life, and I was very humbled and happy to be in that position. The left turn changed almost every aspect of my situation. 

Some months later I reflect and attempt to understand what occurred and why. And still today, I don’t have an answer. Lost and confused with what happened I decided to do what I called “100 Days to Yourself”. This was a promise to myself. To put myself first. To do the things that I loved. To be outdoors more. To allow myself to heal properly and do whatever reflections necessary to get out the other end in one piece. That after 100 days I would feel a sense of pride in myself. To feel joy and happiness in all the little everyday things again. To not get involved with anyone. To simply be kind to those I met and move along. 

 I made this promise to myself because I knew it would be a serious challenge. I knew it would be difficult and that at times I would want to give up. I downloaded a countdown app and had it on the front screen of my phone so I could see my progress every day. Now that these 100 days have passed, I feel like some things have turned a corner. Other areas are on a very slow-moving path, but movement is all that really matters. 

Self-love is hard. For me anyway. You have to take a back seat and really look at yourself from every aspect. I don’t believe anyone truly loves everything about themselves so I see self-love as learning to accept and appreciate yourself in a way that no one else can. Your body, your personality, your interactions, your ‘life progress’, your relationships and most importantly, your thoughts. Naturally as humans we berate ourselves. And often when we get into this habit, we begin projecting it outwards onto other people. Does it makes us feel better? Higher? In power? I think we point out flaws in others so we don’t feel so alone. Instead it has the opposite effect. 

In these 100 days, I wanted to learn how to be on my own. To feel satisfied in my own company. To get out and do the things I want on my own, that bring me joy. To not be fearful of others judgements, to not be fearful of my own judgement. To have lunch on my own and be at the beach and not feel as though people are criticising me. I’m sure they’re not. I’m sure it’s simply my thoughts working against me. 

 Someone once said to me that things change and promises can’t always be kept. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really understand this. I have the potential to be a very literal person and a promise is a promise, right? Not everyone thinks this way. I think very few do. To me, if you’re not 100% sure you’ll be able to do something, simply be honest about it. Don’t wholly commit to something if you’re unsure. It might hurt some people’s feelings, it might let others down, but be honest with yourself at the very least. It sounds as though I’m getting specific now… I guess for me personally, I’ve had a lot of people make a lot of promises that they never come to fruition on. And that can be disappointing for me, because I believe them. If they never made the promise to begin with, I don’t think there would be room for disappointment. When someone makes me a promise, I believe they’re going to follow through and commit to it. 

So again, in these 100 days I’ve been adjusting to and learning a new acceptance for people’s words. People say things they don’t mean or fully understand themselves. People are often struggling just as much as you are, and it’s not fair to expect more than someone is capable of. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that the intentions were good, at the time they were clear, and then, things get muddled along the way. 

2019 needs to be the year I change the way I treat myself (in my mind) and to expect less of those around me. Less in the sense that I cut them a little more slack. Life can be hard. It doesn’t need to be, but often is. 

 I guess I’m looking for my next left turn. I’m ready when you are.