A letter to you

Often unable to articulate my words in person I have always hand written letters. Pen to paper to best express how I truly feel about something.

Letters make me vulnerable and nervous and I can only hope it creates a deeper understanding for those reading. I am an ever layered human as we all are and often feel underestimated or misunderstood. Perhaps it also goes the other way, where individuals believe I'm more capable then I am willing to see. Regardless, I hope this allows you to understand some of me.

A letter to you ~

Today I am trying to see the bigger picture. I am stubborn, emotional and often wanting the approval of others for fulfilment within myself. I get scared when people come on too strong, show too much kindness, too much commitment. Of course I want all this, but I begin to self sabotage as there is something within me saying, I don't deserve a love as great as this. I believe this stems back to my insecurity of - what if I stuff this up. What if I hurt you, worse yet, what if you hurt me! So slowly this begins to eat away at me, I begin to doubt the others commitment and their words, their actions as I begin to fall back into the pool of self doubt I created. 

It is becoming more apparent to me that love is not difficult because of the other. Love is difficult for the subconscious battles happening in our own minds. So of course, we end up on a rat wheel chasing the perfect human. We neglect to acknowledge we should be searching for this within ourselves, and not placing such pressure elsewhere. 

My theme for the year has been on self, self improvement. To feel strong in my body, confident in my mind and beautiful in every other way. Accepting my negative thoughts but not holding onto them. To simply acknowledge and continue moving. 

A lifetime of self-love and growth is all I could possibly ask for, from myself.

A.