Pick wisely

Every afternoon you're almost guaranteed to find me on my balcony admiring the sunset. It's a strange affinity I have. The past months have been quite the rollercoaster, and I know I'm far from alone with these feelings. With this in mind, I'm attempting to keep my head high and my visions higher. I'm keeping them in the clouds to see just how far I can push myself. We can't afford the time to shoot any lower then we deserve - or so I'm learning.

I'm the kinda gal who, when home alone gets around in her underwear, weathering 34 degree heat refusing to put the aircon on. Why am I telling you this? Well in such heat I thought, what better to do then watch soppy love stories with my favourite actress Rachel McAdams. My favourite film - About Time. I watch this and it makes me really consider what I want and what's important. I sit here with the thought of - what the F*%& am I doing...!? -

It doesn't matter how many jobs I do or don't apply for, how I do or don't love others, what kind of time I put in for others. If it doesn't serve me, I end up the loser. That sounds innately harsh, it is, however quite true. 

23 may have been young 10, 20, 30 years ago, but social expectations of a 23 year old have shifted somewhat. I'm at an age where people are madly in love, baby bumps are seen, houses are bought, careers are lined up. I think I missed the memo on the one way ticket to 'LIFE'. Trying to save a house deposit with one, reasonably sad income isn't going to happen. I need braces and am back at the serious contemplation of university and how it can assist me to get in front of the right people. It's not enough to be a good person anymore, you need to be vicious and hungry and experienced just to have an employer consider you. 

Playing second best in your own life is sad right. I've always done everything to make someone else happier. I'm sure this is a learnt behaviour. So, 2018 is quite possibly about undoing those poor habits I chose to adopt. I remember a 17 year old Amber. She was bold, vivacious, more daring. That girl seemed to know what she wanted. She would paint, sketch, play sport, spend time with friends and make plans. Sometime between here and there my confidence faded. The identity I had faded and I became jaded. I stopped investing time in myself and began externally placing it. I started spending time with people who cared about what others thought and that started to swallow me whole as I followed suite. 

Depression at 18-19 changed everything, stat. I forgot what joy looked like. I forgot what self love looked like until more recently. I forgot that dancing in your underwear and singing loudly to a good CD from 2009 was healthy. I forgot how exercise can free you and the importance of the food entering your body. What it is to feel light - figuratively speaking. Although after gaining some 10kg in 2017, I did lose 6kg of that and have managed to keep it off. 55kg at my lightest and 68kg at my heaviest. Now a happy 62kg, I think I'm on the right track.

It sounds crazy, but I am ready to settle and build a kingdom. Settle doesn't mean have kids instantly and get that 9-5 for the rest of my life. Settle means adventure and support, a base point. That's a base point family and friends cannot always supply. I have learnt that I need to be more direct and decisive this year. That I need to choose me in order for everyone else to consider the same. This lesson may seem easy, however it is not something that comes naturally to me. That is a full time project I am working tirelessly towards. 

In 2017 I became significantly more aware of our earth and the impacts of our actions. When you do something, it has a ripple effect, in your eco choices, the words you say, the actions you choose. I'm unsure if I've noticed this in myself or the people directly around me.

My Aunt said something particularly interesting during my visit to Perth. That was, 'people don't judge you, they simply respond to your actions. It's a response, not a judgement'. I contemplated this over tea and think I agree with her. 

This year I'd like to do the hardest thing - pick myself. Good things can only happen when I stop concerning myself with pleasing others. Tips and advice are always greatly appreciated. 

I almost forgot,
23 is suppose to be
Fun and Careless. 

CA