Here we are, the finale of 2018. Only weeks to go and it is rounding out to be quite the year. I’m still unsure if it’s one for the record books or to simply write-off and dispel it from my mind. This year has been the bane of my existence. Case and point. What have I learnt from it though?

Hmm, this is quite the hard question. The first thing that comes to mind is that I can’t trust people… this doesn’t seem like a healthy life choice though. Maybe the lesson is to be cautious… Nah, that doesn't sound right either. I think the lesson for this year is be strong enough in myself not to allow other people’s actions to effect and upset me.

2018 has been debacle after debacle. Majority of incidents have been completely out of my control and in the dangerous hands of others. I’ve allowed my health and well-being to fall into the hands of those who simply don’t have my best interests at heart. This year has taught me the valuable lesson that I need to believe in myself only and the rest can work itself out. I’ve been pushed, shoved, poked, bullied and broken this year. I’ve been made to feel as if I’m crazy, as if I’m nothing, as though I’m simply not enough and can not offer enough. I’ve been made to feel as though I’m a problem. I’ve been isolated and pushed aside at times. And I suppose all of this can get to a person.

I finally reached the point of acceptance. Where Murphy’s Law became my reality and being an adult got really ugly. Where I saw those closest to me, turn ugly. This year I’ve spent a lot of time on my own - forcefully, unintentionally, non-optional.

If I was to wrap up my 2018 experience up in a few ‘simple’ words, it would look like this: Fake friendship. What is loyalty. Cancer. Lonely. Distance. Tormented. Shattered. Travel crushed. Love lost. Surgery. Support. Hanging in there.

This year has been the absolute hardest to date for me mentally and for my health. I have often been left bamboozled by the fundamental choices of others. Yes, we all have choices and for some reason I have been that of a dart board this year. Luckily no one got the target. A lot got really close though. Reviewing this year, I’m surprised and impressed by my willpower. To choose to keep going. To keep trying to better myself regardless of the situation. To be able to stand up and defend myself. To stand up and do what was right for me.

If I’m honest, I’ve cried an awful lot this year. So much so, I think I used up my 2019 quota. I could say I want next year to be better, for things to change. But change can only occur when I put the steps in place. The barriers in place to ensure no one can treat me the way they have this year. My soul has taken a real beating this year and I endeavour to better protect it for the next.

I’m a gentle human who often gets taken advantage of and moving forward I will do my best to ensure the necessary changes are made.

I’m 24 in a few days and all I really want is to feel loved and worthy. If I can’t receive this from others, I must begin the journey myself. I think it’ll be achievable before my next birthday. A young man once told us, 23 will be the worst year you have. He was right. And I’m glad to be looking down the barrel at it.

Be kind to one another, for it is only too easy to be cruel.

Amber.